inflight introspection


sky - 20 jul 2013

DAY ZERO | 20 July 2013, 5.30pm Singapore Time

This feels surreal. Yesterday I was at work, with a bad throat, and feeling nostalgic over the past three months. Now I’m up in the air, halfway around the world, above the Atlantic. I’m headed to San Francisco. Listening to Matt Nathanson serenade the city. Surreal is the best word to describe it.

I’m scared. Not gonna deny it, but good scared. I don’t do this often. Closest thing to this would be deciding to go to Laos. This is a brand new experience and I’m fucking excited. If I look back on where I was, and where I want to be, it’s almost as though I’m slowly finding my way there. It’s not perfect by far, but I’ve started and that feels good. I need new experiences. I can’t keep wanting them and not do anything to get there. This summer’s been crazy. It’s been almost selfish, the way I’ve spent my time focusing on me. Maybe it was needed – finding my internship early, sending so many emails to and fro to make the Orita classes happen, telling myself to stop overthinking it and just apply for awards. I took chances and convinced myself that if it was something I wanted, then I should atleast try. If I failed it wouldn’t be because I didn’t try.

So with all these fears I set out. I want to get to San Francisco one day so I need to figure out if that is really what I want. To figure out whether all these thoughts I have in my head about San Francisco stay the same after seeing it again after so many years. I want this trip to help me understand what I want for myself better, see new places, and honestly get away from the madness that 2013 has been so far.

I just adjusted my watch, and I’ve gone from 5.30pm to 2.30am. And I’ve still got 7 more hours here. More introspection before I sleep.

I have to say after six lozenges and lots of green tea and hot water, my throat feels better but I’m sure talking a lot will change that. Maybe that’s why I’m sitting here alone with nobody else from the group on this flight. Hopefully the throat functions better after 17 hours of not talking much.

I believe in timing and destiny. Okay, not destiny exactly, but that things happen for a reason and that there’s a bigger picture here; just that I can’t see it yet. Maybe I was only meant to get to San Francisco this year, after I turned 21. I’d finally be legal and be able to drink if I wanted to. What are the chances that my dad happens to be in the US, with his own apartment, and time to spend with me? Any earlier and it would have been too early, any later and who knows what else would have cropped up? It’s pretty damn amazing how everything worked out, and clearly something about now is good. Shouldn’t forget that.


Rediscovered as I had to get something out of my trip notebook. I love coming across bits and pieces of my written down thoughts and inspiration from a while back. There have been many surreal moments this year where I’ve been reduced to wondering “when did this become my life?” and it’s mostly been a good thing. I’m just done with my Christmas cards for the year, which means that it’s about time I started looking at my year in review and looking back at my bucket list and see the things I did this year.

One Response to “inflight introspection”
  1. adam says:

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